Feelings is hiding

Note: These entry is 100% came from my true self, inner me which is always trying to hide this true feelings & now, instead of sharing this on my facebook status, I prefer writing it here...

I always lie through my whole life, always trying so hard to keep others happy and sometimes I even broke their heart just so it won't hurt so much in the future. I gave them reasons to hate me again and again and again. Some does walk away but there's certain people who stay. But in both ways, they haunt me every single day. Those bad memories, letting go of someone I always love just so he can have a better person, sneaking through my life just to figure out whether they were fine, BUT why now everything seems so sad and I felt like I've done the dumbest decision in my life. After all this time, this is the only part of my life when I felt so selfish. I am selfish right now, why... now?

Why now that everything seems so fine, so happen like I always wanted it to be... it turns out making me feels like a loser. Loser which only me who knows. It doesn't always felt like this but sometimes, it does making me feel so down... dumb... and regrets for what I've done. Am I a hypocrite? Does everything I done are not as sincere as I thought I am? Why am I being selfish now, instead of before all this could actually happen? Why I sacrifice when I actually realize that I'm gonna regret it one day.

I always trying to tell this to you, but all I can say when we spoke to each other is *sigh through the whole conversation... Mengeluh, when what I'm trying to say is actually doesn't mean anything anymore right now. You already have your own life even thought sometimes you did call, send text massage & trying to keep in touch with me and I somehow doesn't react to each of it... you keep trying for some reason that I don't know what. I really wish that you could hate me, turn your back on me and never look behind anymore... I really wonder how that might actually made me feel. Does it gonna hurt like this? or not? or may be even worst... ?

For every single day of my life, I pray that I could turn back time and change everything. I keep praying even thought I know it would be impossible. There's so many things I would like to say to you, so many things that I think you should know and I have no thoughts in my mind about how you might react through what I'm gonna say. But if I were you, I might felt angry, disappointment & may be do something reckless to the one who ruin all this. But trust me, I wasn't good enough for you... Even if I have to choose after this between you and others, these walls will continue to build between us cause in front of you, I felt nothing but guilt. I can't even look at you in the eyes, or listen to your voice without saying 'sorry' non stop inside my heart. I am guilty for ruining our relationship before.

You were the best thing that ever happen to me, the first person that own me & the only one that can makes me weak without doing anything. But me and my stupidity kills us both & that is something that I have to live in for the rest of my life. I'm sorry... & I miss you.